Day 11 part 1: Angry rant

Angry… I’m feeling very angry… I’m not quite sure what brought it on, but I was making myself ready in the bathroom and it was like I had several thoughts following each other rapidly, and I got really really angry.

-WARNING: Curse words and trigger alert.-

I don’t fucking choose to feel this way.
I can’t just fucking get over it. I was sexually abused as a child between 3 and 5 years old by my biological father. It is not something you just fucking erase.
I don’t ask to get weird dreams and nightmares that make me exhausted before the day even begins.
I would really want to go outside more, be like other people, have a job, have a life… Cause apparently at this moment I don’t seem to be having any!!

I didn’t ask to be sexually harassed by 2 other bastards either. One was when I was 6 or 7 years old, he kept bribing me with money and candy, building up to the ‘scene in the bedroom’.
The other was a boyfriend I had when I was 17. After 3 months of seeing each other, the least I could do was give him sex and he didn’t listen to my several ‘no’s until I threatened to run out of the car and scream bloody murder.

I want to do so many things with my life!! I want to be more creative, I want to express those bottled up emotions, purge them, fucking get rid of them.

I tried to forget everything that has happened over the years, and went into survivor mode, became a shell of myself. Yes I worked, yes I had relationships (mostly bad ones), was afraid to be alone with my own thoughts and feelings. I ran from one disaster into another.
I was afraid of being me.

I’m not gonna be pushed into being someone I’m not anymore. Been there, done that, and I pushed myself even deeper into misery.

Need to go for now… got an appointment with my physical therapist. Hopefully I’m calmed down after I return… Got this pinchy feeling in my shoulders and everything just hurts.

Sorry for the rant.

-End of part 1-